I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
