Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
operation harelip BJ is a go
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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