96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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