Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
