we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
