Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
