I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
