he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
