My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
