At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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