I only kidnapped one of them. chill
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
