i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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