All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
