someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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