i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
