Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
So. Much. Porn.
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