dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize