$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
