Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
