he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
