Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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