Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
