i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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