Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
