My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
