I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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