i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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