im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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