Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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