I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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