My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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