So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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