I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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