who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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