life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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