I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
