Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
