I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
