I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
