Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
