I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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