apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
