idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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