areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
