My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
And then he peed in my hair
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