Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
