I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
