he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
