I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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