Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
