never play flip cup with pint glasses
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
