I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
