Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
