He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
