i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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