come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
