I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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