peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
