eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize