Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
