Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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